Distorted Thoughts

I don't tell the whole truth...I tend to leave out things I don't think sound good or healthy because I'm afraid someone might missunderstand the point.

I sometime expand the truth so that it sounds better then what actually happen.

I don't tell the truth when I feel threaten. Sometimes (most times) it when I feel on the defence of proving myself.

If I told the whole truth, I might lose my job, husband, and freedom.

The whole Truths:

• I do fell hopelessness more times then I really admit
• I most of the time do self medicate and mostly on weekends. I don't want to face reality but then I know the rest of the week I have responsibilities that I HAVE to be able to handle. This is why this year...my checking out was bleeding over into my work atmosphere in which I think I could of lo0se my job if they knew about the drugs and interthoughts.
• I didn't overdose on some of my medications but I am too chicken to do it more then I think I can handle ...or beyond The KEY there is "I think I can Handle" Is what I'm thinking and feeling something I should trust in or believe it to be true?
• I don't tell my husband all my problems & thoughts because I think he'd try to fix it or just try not to make waves.
• Doctors: PCP - She is not really knowledged enough on the lastest drugs and cbt. So she handles me with care but I can still get any prescription from her. She does give me the Loritabs for my cramping/endometriosis. (I usually have to use it for that) But I sometimes use it for other things that it really wasn't intendent
• Checking out is easier especially on weekends (when I don't have to drive very much and I can be dosed a little higher then I should.) I don't think I'm addicted but then again I do tend to repeat actions.
• To tell the truth - I believe in God, I believe in Jesus and that he died on the cross, I'm not so sure about the holy spirit....I don't understand why I have to continue through this trial. It's a humbling experience considering my upbring....where I didn't have the perfect life I had what some would love to have compared to what their younger lives have been. THIS BRINGS WITH IT A LOT OF GUILT AND SHAME.....that i must punish myself because how can I be so ungreatful.

ps - as part of why I'm writing this; I'm already to check out this evening....hopeing tomorrow will come and go and Friday the last day of this week. The count down starts on Mondays!

Ok...I talked my husband into seeing the Di Vince Code....I guess I was a little disappoint because it was just a story....there was some facts but not enough to leap to the writters conclusion....so I'm not sure why all the hype?

I still question my faith but it has nothing to do with that story....I think I really need to watch the Passion but I haven't done it.

OH MY GOD....its only 2 days left of school and then I'm Leo's for 100% of my time....he is driving me crasy right now. I'm up to my neck with attendance. Senioritis, senior activities, graduations....skip days...it's like no one wants to be in class and I've got to document it. Leo is such the morning person. He gets to school around 6 and I don't get in until 7:30ish. I'm NOT a morning person. Leo wants my first attention when I get in. I'm just not ready to deal with him right away. Like today...by the time I got settled in and ready he was already out of his office (7:45) then when he did get back to his office (9:30) he proceeded to tell me that we have lack of communications and he didn't feel right about it. I felt like he was blaming me (he was) but he always turns things and words around and I just don't know what to do or say at the time. He really made me mad this morning and I almost cried afterwards. It was very hard but he left (9:45am) and he didn't return until 3:00pm. By then I had finished most of attendance and was working on his project (his website) and had most of it done. Oh how I wanted to hit him...

I really just wanted to shut down again. Didn't want to face what reality was telling me. From my sponsor to both of my counselors...it was my choice....whether I wanted to recover, whether I wanted to "stay unhealthy behavior"...or fear of getting better. It just made me physically sick....my head just wanted to explode. Oh the pain behind my eyes and I just wanted to stop feeling anything....whatever it took but what drugs I had weren't strong enough. It wasn't until my husband finally took me to the er that I broke into tears....I couldn't take it anymore! It took almost 2 hours in the waiting room before I was seen (typica). But once I was back...the dr gave me the first iv drug....it helped but not much...it was about an hour later that he prescribe something else...I could feel it as it went through my veins...it was like a rush....but almost 5 minutes later my chest started hurting...really I wasn't faking it....I finally told my husband to get someone because it was getting worse....the nurse didn't really believe me...thought it was because I hadn't eaten much. So he gave me this coctail that I just couldn't swallow. It hurt just to breath...they were trying to find the dr...in the process they took a ekg - normal and then gave me something for the nausa....by the time the dr saw me the pain was pretty much gone....I'm still not sure they believe me how much it hurt!

So the real stress from within....I still have to deal with...and that scares me. I'm not sure I want to face it or denie it.

Not really...she was very factual about what I need to do and why this set back has happened. I haven't really been continuing to work on my recovery...When I think I'm fine and in control...I lose the control. But it all comes back to step one. Giving it to a high power (God)....that I'm not sure I can release that much control...I know I should but can I stop taking it back once I give it back. And even though I know it's wrong...I just have to do it!

she asked why don't I throw the hammer away....I don't know. It is easier to give it someone else then it is to just put it in the trash. Maybe that's because I have to have someone else to know...because if I do it myself only I know.