Distorted Thoughts

I really just wanted to shut down again. Didn't want to face what reality was telling me. From my sponsor to both of my counselors...it was my choice....whether I wanted to recover, whether I wanted to "stay unhealthy behavior"...or fear of getting better. It just made me physically sick....my head just wanted to explode. Oh the pain behind my eyes and I just wanted to stop feeling anything....whatever it took but what drugs I had weren't strong enough. It wasn't until my husband finally took me to the er that I broke into tears....I couldn't take it anymore! It took almost 2 hours in the waiting room before I was seen (typica). But once I was back...the dr gave me the first iv drug....it helped but not much...it was about an hour later that he prescribe something else...I could feel it as it went through my veins...it was like a rush....but almost 5 minutes later my chest started hurting...really I wasn't faking it....I finally told my husband to get someone because it was getting worse....the nurse didn't really believe me...thought it was because I hadn't eaten much. So he gave me this coctail that I just couldn't swallow. It hurt just to breath...they were trying to find the dr...in the process they took a ekg - normal and then gave me something for the nausa....by the time the dr saw me the pain was pretty much gone....I'm still not sure they believe me how much it hurt!

So the real stress from within....I still have to deal with...and that scares me. I'm not sure I want to face it or denie it.