Distorted Thoughts

I don't tell the whole truth...I tend to leave out things I don't think sound good or healthy because I'm afraid someone might missunderstand the point.

I sometime expand the truth so that it sounds better then what actually happen.

I don't tell the truth when I feel threaten. Sometimes (most times) it when I feel on the defence of proving myself.

If I told the whole truth, I might lose my job, husband, and freedom.

The whole Truths:

• I do fell hopelessness more times then I really admit
• I most of the time do self medicate and mostly on weekends. I don't want to face reality but then I know the rest of the week I have responsibilities that I HAVE to be able to handle. This is why this year...my checking out was bleeding over into my work atmosphere in which I think I could of lo0se my job if they knew about the drugs and interthoughts.
• I didn't overdose on some of my medications but I am too chicken to do it more then I think I can handle ...or beyond The KEY there is "I think I can Handle" Is what I'm thinking and feeling something I should trust in or believe it to be true?
• I don't tell my husband all my problems & thoughts because I think he'd try to fix it or just try not to make waves.
• Doctors: PCP - She is not really knowledged enough on the lastest drugs and cbt. So she handles me with care but I can still get any prescription from her. She does give me the Loritabs for my cramping/endometriosis. (I usually have to use it for that) But I sometimes use it for other things that it really wasn't intendent
• Checking out is easier especially on weekends (when I don't have to drive very much and I can be dosed a little higher then I should.) I don't think I'm addicted but then again I do tend to repeat actions.
• To tell the truth - I believe in God, I believe in Jesus and that he died on the cross, I'm not so sure about the holy spirit....I don't understand why I have to continue through this trial. It's a humbling experience considering my upbring....where I didn't have the perfect life I had what some would love to have compared to what their younger lives have been. THIS BRINGS WITH IT A LOT OF GUILT AND SHAME.....that i must punish myself because how can I be so ungreatful.

ps - as part of why I'm writing this; I'm already to check out this evening....hopeing tomorrow will come and go and Friday the last day of this week. The count down starts on Mondays!