Monday, September 26, 2005
To be...is the question of the day!
As I start out a Monday...not very exciting and I got my work done by 1:30pm...I found it very boring! My thoughts were just wondering which I know leads me to jump into "what ifs". Then I started to think about what I don't want to talk about...the main topic seems to be my husband or my marriage. Why am I so chicken to ask the hard questions? Am I afraid of the answers? Someone asked me the other day...what do I get from this relationship? I don't know. I try to do things that please him...but he doesn't really reciptate. Sometimes I wish he would but I don't think he needs to do something all the time. Just getting text messages makes my day. I know I need to start...but where?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Am I worth it?
Am I worth it? and what is IT? How do I get through the every day living -- how mundane every day seems. Where do I go from here? Why do I feel so alone? There are plenty of people around me that I know care....why do I feel so alone?
Monday, September 19, 2005
Ok there's a lot more then one!
In fact there are so many I'm just so sure there has to be someone else in there with brain thinking these thoughts up! The concencous of the thought proccess today was mainly stay out of the way of my boss. Let's not go there in his office. He has his own "way" of filing that doesn't make any sense to me...I'm tried of trying to assist someone who doesn't was a change. He thinks he really is specail and all the rules will be broken just for him to shine in the light or I'm standing too close to the light and have to move so it clearly shines on him....I know this putting the blame on someone else that deals with my reactions....I just hate hearing the voices....am I the only one that listens to the voices?
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Still ONE
There is still the one thought running through my head that I haven't quite got it under control. I finished my obssession of counting and now I'm concern that my hair is falling out again. But the one thougth is "am I worthy" of all this attention, of being alive, of being who I am? I itch as a compulsion now even when I don't really need to itch. My neck muscles are so tight and knotted I'm constantly rubbing it...And I've made it to get my 60 day chip but how much did I want to punish my self on Friday.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
One, two, three --- look at me?
I'm in an obsessive counting frenzy:
Hydrocodone @ 7.5 mg, total 20 tablets, total of 150 mg;
Ambien @ 10 mg, total 24 tablets, total of 240 mg;
Tramadol @ 50 mg, total 16 tablets, total of 800 mg;
Acetaminophen w/ codeine total 4 tablets;
Lorazepam @ 0.05 mg, total 146 tablets, total of 7.3 mg;
Geodon @ 80 mg, total 86 capsules, total of 6880 mg;
Lexapro @ 20 mg total, 88 tablets, total of 1760 mg;
Wellbutrin @ 100 mg, total 164 tablets, total of 16400 mg;
GRAND TOTAL: 26237 mg
So what does that mean? Is it just a bad habit when I'm anxious?
Hydrocodone @ 7.5 mg, total 20 tablets, total of 150 mg;
Ambien @ 10 mg, total 24 tablets, total of 240 mg;
Tramadol @ 50 mg, total 16 tablets, total of 800 mg;
Acetaminophen w/ codeine total 4 tablets;
Lorazepam @ 0.05 mg, total 146 tablets, total of 7.3 mg;
Geodon @ 80 mg, total 86 capsules, total of 6880 mg;
Lexapro @ 20 mg total, 88 tablets, total of 1760 mg;
Wellbutrin @ 100 mg, total 164 tablets, total of 16400 mg;
GRAND TOTAL: 26237 mg
So what does that mean? Is it just a bad habit when I'm anxious?
Monday, September 12, 2005
Escaping to witch mountian....
Wanting so much out of my life that I've been building on for the last 30 years....can't I just start anew? and the next question is can I take all my drugs. I've count and recounted. Just want to know who much I have on hand no one else seems to mind.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Hate
I just feel hate...or is it discontemptment? It's the black or white issue....if it's not white then it has to be black. How pestismistic I'm getting or have been. How do you dwell on what is good, pure, and white? Who's reality am I'm living?
Monday, September 05, 2005
Pretending...
Am I pretending every thing is ok or is everything ok...I feel so lonely but I'm surrounded by people. I don't want to talk to anyone not even my sponsor...there's nothing to explain. I can't put into words the emotions that are going through my mind every minute. It's almost compulsive thinking. I don't know I'm thinking it until I do something related. I just want to tune my mind out...turn it off and forget about the rest of the world. Live my small story and be satisified...but knowing I've tried that before and it doesn't work! Am I insane to think it will work this time!
Sunday, September 04, 2005
How conifent I could have been
Saturday, September 03, 2005
It takes two and then some...
Struggling for living again. Feeling very selfish. If only I could sleep this off. This too shall pass! Two pain pills later and my regular drugs and I am just about incoherent.
