Distorted Thoughts

I'm going under covers...I don't want to face reality...I feel so all alone. I couldn't talk in group tonight. Didn't want to share how self-centered I've been this week. It's been all about me and reacting to others. How they made me feel and how I thought about myself. I dreaded my anniversary...part because I can't believe I've been married that long and partly because I wanted so much more then my marriage is -- not the fairytale ending you see in the movies! Get Real!

Haven't heard (emails) from about 5 people and it's driving me crazy. I know, others have things to do and stuff but surely they check their emails a little more often...what if they have and aren't responding by choice? Where is my outlet...how alone I feel -- partly my fault I'll admit I haven't really tried any other communication other than email...but where are they?

Geodon @ 80 mg; total 96 capsules; total of 7680 mg
Lexapro @ 20 mg; total 90 tablets; total of 1800 mg
Lorazepam @ 0.05 mg; total 300 tablets; total of 15 mg
Wellbutrin @ 100 mg; total 240 tablets; total of 24000 mg
Ambien @ 10 mg; total 28 tablets; total of 280 mg
Tramadol @ 50 mg; total 16 tablets; total of 800 mg
Hydrocodone @ 7.5 mg; total 6 tablets; total of 45 mg
Acetaminophen w/ codeine; total 4 tablets

Grand total: 34612 mg

Oh...every little thing has pissed me off today...starting with getting out of bed late...I'm so sure everyone wished I just crawled back under the rock I came from! Got to work a "few" minutes late...couldn't get the door open then to stay open....if it is not one thing its another. Ahhhhhhhhhrrrrrrr Tried to eat breakfast and my stomack just didn't want to cooperate -- lunch was a bird full... Then I'm doing my mindless data entry crap...trying to figure out hand written names and numbers....tooo tetitus and very frustrating....then there's the boss...guess I didn't pay as close attention to him as he was jetting out the door this morning...seems I AM supposed to pick his phone and NOT let it go to voice mail!!! WHY HAVE VOICE MAIL IF YOU DON'T USE IT! Then I guess I made a comment that HE thought wasn't very professional....first he want me to be "when you can get to it", then he wants to be a team -- what he knows I should know...now he wants me to talk to him professional....how is that working? I just pissed, I don't feel good and every little thing is a pain in more ways then one!

shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!!!! SHIT! today just ended way bad! That sucks! I'm sweaty, hot, shakin', and just feel anxious...why? Because my boss is a jerk!, I was late for my dr. appt, the dr increased my meds....and I went shopping and I had to go to 2 different stores...I still need to drop off my prescrips and get bananas...let's not forget the bananas! SHIT!!!!!!

even when there is noise...I've been in silence the last couple of days. Mentally, I really don't like it but I didn't know what to do to change it so I just turned the music or tv louder. Like that helps. I don't want to be around people because I really don't want to talk...but then is anyone really listening to me. Dizzy from I think my meds...I feel a little uneasy and unsure of what I think. Deciding do I really want to go to CR or not. I know I should. But I don't want to talk. Silence...can I be quiet? Went to dinner with my husband and I think we talked about 2 whole sentences the entire time...he's not vocal today either...silence...waiting...is it good or is it bad?