Distorted Thoughts

is there anybody out there that cares...because right now I don't think so. I've done something so stupid and I just don't know how to fix it because it's in pieces that just can't be undone. Stupid, stupid....STUPID. Why can't I do anything right! OMG! are you there? where are you?

Ok...I don't feel ok. My mind is wandering around with so many thoughts. It's like being in shock...I feel my eyes are wide open and dialated. That what I'm seeing isn't real but what I feel is. How can I be so ungreatful? I feel so much shame and it's hard to express the pounding in my soul. Outwardly, I'm getting back to normal but am I just pretending? I'm sometimes afraid that I'm not normal..that there is something still wrong with me. I've been able to put it into terms of life or death. What am I doing with my life.

I sat in church today...numb Easter Sunday and I feel numb. This is what life is all about. The facts that happened around Jesus Christ and I'm just numb.

So in my reality I think I'm getting better but it was just the other day I over took some meds that I had forgotten to take, so I took them when I shouldn't...WHY what did I think that would accomplished? I just keep crying out to God but is he listening? I'm a fraid!!!