Distorted Thoughts

and all I want is to sleep through it the meds are seeping thourgh and I'll be asleep in less the 20 minute

too much time on hand to really get me into thinking....at least the wrong thinking that is..am I expendable? Do I really matter where it counts? My husband hasn't had a good day so somehow I feel that's my fault. How is it my fault? Is it something I said, did, didn't do....or is he thinking the same feelings of inadequece.

football: Oklahoma and Oregon oh please let the sooners win. this isn't going to be a good evening if they loose. I don't know why it matters so much. It is just a game but you know it's like being part of a team. 13th man in the chair...ha oh what to type about now. This is pretty dangerous because I can actually type what I'm thinking and blogg it at the same time.

time they said is on my side...I have to wait to call that lady back...I'm afraid I'm going to lose my part time job. I hope that doesn't happen. I just got another shirt and a coat.

back to football...oh how my heart beats at each play. I hold my cold sweaty hands during each huddle. aniety...so far brent's pretty calm...

This past weekend was an eventful saga in my small little story. It didn't start off that great...I left my desert at home and I was just about to school. Turned around and got it and was running "really" late. Guess I should of called. The morning was filled with attendance issues but dealt within a reasonable time. Just waiting for the lunch hour to commence. Our holiday feast cratered in just for the faculty. Baked potatoes, chicken, and ribs. slide across my plate. Ate some chicken, and potatots be didn't even try a rib....not sure why...I just didn't want to get my fingers dirty. I was done eatting pretty much and got into the deserts (the one I brought --y ummm) Then I headed to my office. Sat down and thought to myself I'm alittle dizzy. hmmmm I think I just crawled to the ground or quite passing out. By the time the fire depart me got there I was semi coherent. but they took my blood sugar and it was below 40. Guess that's why I was dizzy. By that time Brent had made it to the school. and I was coming around but not all the quite there. He just said take her to St. Johns. The er was actually quiet for a change. The room wasn't bad and I had my labs drawn with in reasaoble time. Then came the paperwork. And explaining of the medications I was on and how often I took them. I was open and I honest about screwing up the weekend before and taking too much ativan two days in a row. It just got worse from there. I had a nurse check my entire body for brusies and questioned about each one. Almost wanted me to start hitting again. I was transfered from er to icu that was about 12 hours...then came the transfer to the "ward" upstairs....not so liking this next move. As I'm rolled into this body of people getting their dinner trays...I'm really starting to freak out...then comes the change of clothes into scrabs and matching booty's. Brent and I just sat on my bed after meking it and crired until a nusrse come in to do the check in paperwork. Then it was time to say good by to brent....I time I really didn't want hin to go...

You'd think I wouldn't push the envelope once more...ok so what a double on the rocks going hurt.....make me fall asleep faster!

it's all how it looks like on the outside and not how it got that way on the endside. I won some battles but the war is not over. I feel like I'm sinking --- is it a good thing or is it mean I have decided to move yet. I'm ready to stop thinking about this all togehter. I'm checking out