Tuesday, February 28, 2006
The mallet
Do I keep it as a shrine? Do I keep it to use? Do I just keep it as a conversation piece? Why is it still in my car and why haven't I used it? My counselor wants me to throw it away...my accountability internet partner wants me to put a bow on it and give it to someone...my sponsor doesn't know why I still have it...all in all...no one has asked for it that I can give it too them...(my internet partner would take it if she lived in tulsa) I think the other 2 know that I'll just go out and get another...
Maybe I think I haven't used this mallet because...it's not my brand. funny How do you have a specical brand in taste for a mallet....oh...do I go shopping again..
I've thought about putting this mallet with a bow in a box and sending it back to my counselor but i don't think that would serve the right purpose because he doesn't play games and that would be playing a game.
Maybe I think I haven't used this mallet because...it's not my brand. funny How do you have a specical brand in taste for a mallet....oh...do I go shopping again..
I've thought about putting this mallet with a bow in a box and sending it back to my counselor but i don't think that would serve the right purpose because he doesn't play games and that would be playing a game.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Up and Down like a roller coaster
I'm not sleeping very well and it's effecting my judgement or else I just don't care that much about anything. Since being taken off all the heavy duty drugs...I'm not the zombie I used to be when taking my meds...I know that's for the good but getting through these last few days has been hard to adjust. I'm not sleeping very well at night and when I do wake up I'm exhusted already and not really sure I'm ready to start the the....I'm not looking forward to this week.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Drugs or Medication?
So are the SSRI, anti anxiety, anti psychotic, mood stablizers, and sleeping aids....are they "drugs"or it is it medication? How do I know if I'm addicted already to some or all. Do any of them really help? I know the ssri helps me focus especially during the afternoons so ok...that one may work. I also know if I don't take the anti anxiety I'm really bad in crowds...the sleeping aids...have turned a night waiting to sleep until 3 to getting to sleep within a half hour of taking it. The rest...just thrown in a pot and let's see how we do for the next month.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Deapths of Depression
On the outside, I look better, smile more and laugh a little bit...but deep down within my soul I just feel so hopeless and don't want to participate in life's activities. Wrong feelings of being alone and abondan...but I know that is a false belief...but I just can't seem to change it.
The TRUTH about depression --
The TRUTH about depression --
Depression feels like death or just a step above. It feels like you have not only been abandoned by God, but have become an object of his wrath.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
I think I can..I think I can
I can have a mallet in my possession and can I not use it? I just had the urge to have one. I've been down this road before! If I tell someone what will they do or say? Should that matter?
should I use it...not right now...but I know where it is, is all that matters.
should I use it...not right now...but I know where it is, is all that matters.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Can I get a Witness..
Can I get a mallet in the house?
Friday, February 17, 2006
Dog day of winter
Ok it was bitterly cold for Oklahoma and the wind is pretty bad. Todays thoughts...I'm glad I didn't have to deal with Leo any more then I did today. I just don't feel like he trusts me or really its a respect or appreciation. He just seems to take anything I willing to give up for approval. And I try so hard to please him and I know I don't need to do that but I just can't seem to get that through to the false beliefs that "Me" isn't worthy of the time and respect of a man!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Hard Day at Work...
Ok...I know it's my job but I was juggling a lot to things today but didn't get any credit for having it done....kind of disguerging...guess I'm still hung up on getting Leo's approval...I didn't today
Hard Day at Work...
Ok...I know it's my job but I was juggling a lot to things today but didn't get any credit for having it done....kind of disguerging...guess I'm still hung up on getting Leo's approval...I didn't today
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Where Am I?
sometimes I have to wonder where I am in all of this the big world. I think of only my small world that revulls around me. But should it? Maybe the question should be where am I going? Because most of the time that's not a good place to be.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Is it time yet?
Although today was a good day....can't I go to sleep now?
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Are you there GOD? It's me
Hello anyone home? I don't feel it at all. They say you're not a feeling. To be in you is to be everything. How do you get there if you think you're not there? Where am I? I'm lost or trapped in a place I don't want to be. Have a little faith I can hear...but will that be enough? How can I stay strong? Where do I turn? I just don't see anything there!!!!
