Distorted Thoughts

To anyone who hides behind a smile To anyone who holds their pain inside Toanyone who thinks they're not good enough To anyone who feels unworthy of love To anyone who ever closed the door Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide You don't have to hide anymore You don't have to face this on your own You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars To anyone who's ever made a big mistake We've all been there, so don't be ashamed Come out, come out and join the rest of us You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands Come to the One with scars on His hands 'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been His scars will heal you if you let Him

I just wonder how someone else got into my head and found out the feelings that I've been having....it's so weird to hear these words sung. It's a song by Joy Williams and the cr band has add it to their play list. How much the first verse is me as I wake up every day. I just have to learn how to live the chorus. The other thing is the fact that I don't have to be perfect. I can make big mistakes. And boy have I made those big mistakes. I can almost make another one if I really wanted to. My husband hasn't put up the latest refills. And of course one of them is ativan. Doesn't he understand...or don't I understand. I need to make sure that isn't an option. How much I want to count them...or how much I want to hit. But what is making me stop -- to be honest other people. My husband would have a major heart problem if I overdosed while he was supposed to be monitoring my meds. My mom wouldn't understand that it's going far from just having a positive attitude. Jennifer would kill me if I didn't die along with Alicia ...overdosesing would really not be good for them where they are at. It all goes to a cause and effect reaction. I know there would be others who would just not realize how much pain there is invovled. But you know...it's not that I want to kill myself...I'm still stickin g to the point I just want to go to sleep....where there was no waking up.

So that puts hitting back into the picture. I can't believe I've gone 6 months that also means it's been 7 months since I've been in Colorado...did that treatment help me? Yes I think I needed it at the time. It was the right place because if I didn't go...I think I would have done more experimenting that would have been more serious then what I've done so far. Pete was a good person in his counseling. He did put God into the center of what the therapy was. Not that I think I would like to see McElroy do that...I do wish McElroy would include prayer at the beginning. If I start hitting again will McElroy stay on...Do I even know if he is going to stay on now. I'm paranoid that the fact is he is already drawing back so that I can find another counselor. How does that make me feel....a little bit abandon...that he's done all he can do with me and he doesn't see any more progress for this treatment.

I feel very much alone even though my husband is with me in the same room. It comes from within. My spirit isn't jumping up and down with excitement. Tonight I'm going to go to Celebrate Recovery...it's been a while due to being in the hospital and Dallas. But I'm going to get my yellow 6 month chip for not hitting. Why doesn't that seem like a big deal anymore? It was a hugh deal 6 months ago ...I couldn't go an hour without hitting some how.

Am I a grateful believer in christ? Do I appreciate the benefits that Christ did for me? Do I understand the big picture? How can I say I'm grateful? I think I'm save to say I'm a believer in christ. By just still seeking I am in christ.

So about tonight. Will it be easy for me to share what has happened the last 3 weeks? I know I need to share something. I can.

Breath....keep breathing. I just hate this feeling of being such a failure. I just don't know what I did wrong! It's guilt from being away from work or is it just that I hate what I do? Can't chew on my new nails...too short. Want to hit...but I signed that self harm paperwork - like that should stop me but I'm past my 6 months....I don't think I could start all over or if I start again can I stop?

Again...What the HELL AM I DOING! I just can't keep up being so good on the outside when I feel so bad on the inside. I hate it. I hate me...there I typed it.

as I feel soo sleepy from this morning and not sure if it's the medication or just the exshution of the weekend...I took a nap today after eating! My stomach hurt from all the food I've been eating this weekend. I crawl into bed with my jeans and sweater still then add the sheet, comforter, afghan, and fleece blanket I snuggled down for a werid food induced dream. Some how I became Mother Nature and lets just admit that it was a strange escape dream.

Both animals cuddled around me which was nice while my husband watched tv. I'm afraid he doesn't need me anymore...since he's had to take care of himself while I've been out to lunch! Now is that the distorted thinking that I'm not needed anymore? My mom kept reminding me positive thinking this weekend. I feel better can I just keep that momentum going.

So I'm breathing and a heart beat...does that mean I'm living? One day at a time can be ok...maybe I don't know what is living because after being in the hospital for 10 days, I have come to realize I'm just one person, with life that is enough? Here I was thinking I just didn't want to be awake...I just wanted to sleep through life. I think I just can't take it anymore. Did I take the ativan thinking that would work... no I knew that it wasn't the answer but I knew it would get attention I just didn't think it would get me that much attention!!

is a scary place. There are two sides divieded into 30 rooms on each side of the commons area. Supposed to be to phones (but one was pulled out) but it was always busy. The whole checkin took about 12 hours for start to finish. I was so tired and so warn out from crying I think I would have signed anything. Distorted thoughts....guess I was twisting what I did as just be a basic fact. I didn't take enough Ativan to be leathal but I did take an overdose of Ativan that should of landed me in the hospital at that time. It just took 4 weeks to get me to admit that I had suicided intentions. Here I heards other's stories...from pills to booze to shooting themselves...did I really fit in with these people? I am not sure about the drs either as much as they weren't sure of me. I thought I was honest enough with them but they didn't ask all the right questions. Or that my scarcasm came into play unless you would call that they defense mechanism I have built for myself. I don't want to feell so empty and alone. I don't care for they way I'm living right now. I want more but I don't know what that more is.

Is it voluntary or strongly voluntary to enter the psych ward? What to expect? Do I think it’s where I should be – no. But do I think I am going to end up there – yes. So it kind of works like this...you call a number. you get put into a cue for a call back depending on how busy it is in the er....and I might get a call back before midnight.

"No one is happy all of the time, but some people feel as if they can never find
happiness. Some people feel as if their entire life is devoted to nothing but
pain and hurt and loneliness. Every day is a struggle, and every breath a fight
for survival. These people have a deep understanding of the word Depression. "

Do you get it? What it is like to be depressed. The emptyness that something should be there to fullfill it. My sponsor saids it's God and Jesus Christ that can only fill that space. But is it really that easy? I'm still angry with God!

Breathing is not optional.....but my heart feels like it'a up in my throat. My head is pounding. I can't type fast enought and hit the right keys. Football....last college game...my optical lenses are being over stimulated by the 12 foot screen. oh no....4th down....field goal or go for it.....time out...blocked.....ugh!!!! just grinding my teeth. Breath....the adrelinine....make a stop....hit somebody. I'm exshuted but yet wide awake. Shit shit shit shit....can't they hit somebody! shit shit shit too much time on the clock!! In the red zone...must score on this drive...did I say my head hurts...I need to calm down. Lets take our meds....maybe they will help me settle down. fucking 3 points.....3 fucking points....oh will the ambien work a little faster. Hot tea....that will make it work faster....that's what I need

I'm sure it's something I ate to make my stomach so upset with me. All I've done today is watch football and eat. My mother-in-law made a traditional New Year's Day meal. Corn bread, fried potatoes, beans, black eye peas and hog jawl. But that's not what this blog is all about.

Overdoseing...Brent has control of my meds in a locked box...but last night I went ahead and got more of my new sleeping pills...but they really aren't sleeping pills it's just a side effect. (Seroquel)...So is it technically overdosing or just taking enough to make me sleep longer...isn't that my goal?