Distorted Thoughts

I don't know why death didn't effect me today...I saw a person in the last stages of life...just breathing was a strain. She seemed like she had a good life but I don't know that for a fact. I just saw the concern of family and the glazed look of a hollow shell. I don't think she was there anymore but her body hadn't reacted yet...it was just a matter of time. I also don't think she was in distress...I think I just respected her time and wished her peace. I guess that's what I can hopeful in my time...

I just had about 4 spoonfuls of chocolate frosting...it was sooooo good but it's got to be bad for you not to count calories!

...I was walking down the hallway which appeared to be full of children bedrooms. The first looked like a teenager's room -- a girl but there was no one in there. Down the hallway, the last door I went through was a nursery. It was yellow, pink, and blue. Fresh paint. The crib was new with soft blankets and bears. But there was no baby. I turned around and went into the middle room. It was a little boy's room. I sat on the wooden bed and hugged the stuff horse. I tried to rub my eyes...I couldn't really see but for a minute...there in the middle of the room stood a boy about 5 or 6. He kept asking me something but I could hear him. I tried to focus on his face but it was blurry. I heard "relax"..."it's ok" "I've picked you to be my mommy" I was in shock...I didn't think I heard right. I'm rubbing my eyes trying to make him out. He was wearing dark blue jeans, a plaid shirt and coyboy boots. I asked him where is your mommy? But he didn't say or I couldn't hear. I was hot and it was getting steaming in the room. He offered me a glowing green drink..."take this...then you can be with me forever" What is it I asked...no answer. The room begain to spin...with a red glow...I don't like this...I can't see. I can hear
him but I don't know where he is...I ask him to come back but the room is getting really hot...I drop the glass of liquid on the floor...it oopse into the wood boards and disapears...I fumble my way to the door...I said real loud that I have to go...I hear a plead of "don't go...please stay and play with me..." I'm afraid of him...

Then I wake up...snuggled next to my dog and inches away from my husband. No dark hallways or children insight. Ahh just a dream. So real, so strong emotions...it's 9:30 am and I missed the first church service. I need to get up and take a shower...but I stayed under the covers and ponder the dream. I try to remember what he looked like. Brown hair in a neat cut. Big brown eyes...that melt my heart. I give him a name -- Michael. Where were his parents? Why did he want me to drink and stay with him? Where were the other children? 10:05 - I need to get up and go to church...but I haven't time to take a shower. As I dragged myself up and still shakin from the dream. I decided to wear big, bulk, warm. I don't care anymore that my hair really needs to be washed. I don't care that I really don't want to go...but I do go. Driving down the highway I almost miss the exit. "Wake Up!!" I pull in the parking lot...wait in the car for a few minutes...do I really want to do this? Do I really want to go in? Go ahead, open the door and take a step I said to myself. It will be ok. You can do this. I make it to the door, get a cup of tea and settle in my usual seat. I really don't want to talk to anybody...must look busy so no one comes over to talk to me. Ahhh I've been spotted by Alicia but she only waves her hand. Good, the singings started. Then come the words...how guilty that makes me feel. Then people sit behind me...oh how nervous I am becoming. Breathe. I start to rock. It will be ok. I check to see what the serman passage is: the widow's might. Oh that's going to be on giving...I'm I giving? No....I'm not I'm selfish. What do I have to give? Then come the teenage boys sitting in front of me....breathe. You can stay...I don't want to stay....will anyone notice if I leave...they are all singing and standing....now the chance to go...but it's only 11:30 am, where am I going to. I could go to Sam's -- too big, not in the mood! Need to get lasanage for dinner. Albertson's -- I can be in and out in a minute. Go through self check out...don't have to talk to anyone...that will work. I wonder if Michael like lasanage? Should I get milk? no time...keep going. Where are those pain killers?

I just want to throw the biggest fit since I did it as a 5 year old!!! I hate being an adult and trying to control my outward actions. I feel so illrational and so "not me" that I'm living in someone's nightmare....this can't be my life!

Which pain am I trying to hide? It takes 3 pills to achieve the goal of "I don't care anymore". 4 to kill the physical pain. but is the excuse becoming a reason? Am I really in control or is it getting out of hand? am I rational in my judgement?

I'm down to 4 pain killers left that actually work on my admoninal pain. A part of me wonders if it is not cause by worrying so much or is there really something wrong. Can I ever see myself as being normal? I feel guilty for being in this position...I don't know when I am doing the right thing or not. Making it worse instead of better...

Ok...it's back...now it's on the left side. Am I imagining this? Am I making myself sick with worring, anxiety? Tons of questions...no real answers.

I can see how bad I really was....not in a punishing state but in the mental state...Colorado was good for more then one reason but most of all it gave me back hope! At all cost! Today would have been my dad's birthday...I'm sad he's not around...just one more day

As I prayed no one would sit next to me...so far so good...only about another 30 minutes before the races start. I'm doing ok with people behind me...ok with people in front (minus the smoke)....ahhh at last "they" come. 4 middle age men with their coolers in hand. After being stepped on then the guy almost sits in my lap...too many in the row for comfort. The next 6 hours of confindment. Ok...I can do this! And overall I did pretty good. Controlled my breathing (second hand smoke), thought about being outside....sun...concentrated on the cars, race, and listening to the scanner. I only got up twice during the race! Just had to get some breathing room. With 50 laps to go in the race, the 4 got up and left! Why come to the races -- Why pay that much money for a ticket....and not stay for the entire race? I don't understand. Now with elbow room...I enjoyed the finish of the race even though I didn't like who won! That's what being a Nascar fan is all about!

why stop there? Not thinking so clearly now...I just don't want to be me tonight! What's bothering me...would you believe a photograph picture of me about 2 years ago...before I lost so much weight. I had no neck and my face was hugh and my eyes were lost...how did I see myself then if I really don't like myself now? Went shopping tonight...just really looking at what sizes I'm fitting into. I can do a 14 but a 16 looks better. Didn't find anything that said it had to be bought...but it was nice to get out and look...even if i don't like what I see in the reflection!