Distorted Thoughts

I think I am my worst enmeny...my thoughts have digressed to the worse case senerio and I think everything I do is still wrong no matter how hard I try. It just make me more and more sad. I wondered if it has anything to do with the fact on weekends I don't take my meds all the time...(I do the esstentionals but not the wellbutrin or ativan)...is that playing with the seritonin levels...during the weekdays it's level and on the weekend its up and down? it's just a sad weekend!

Am I ready for this? I have all the "what if's" running through my head...what if I can't drive....what if I miss something important...what if I can't handle it? Am I sure in my skills to do this? What if I fail...

I can do this. I found the place today so that I would know exactly where to go on Tuesday. I've got my so call uniform as much as possible until I know otherwise. I just have to remember to breath...and do the best I can and accept that for now.

So excited that I don't know if this is something good or if I am setting myself up for failure...its all about risk. Is it worth the risk...I got bold and took the leap without thinking so much about it. I'm trying not to think or dream about it...but it is exciting thinking I'm going to be out on the streets and get to use sirens & lights....whaahoo

I had the same dream before....I guess I'm really not into interpetating dreams but this one repeats itself more often. I can remember being in a all white kitchen over looking a sunken living area. Everything is white. Even the utensil and appliances. But I'm not...sometimes I'm tracking red; sometimes I just feel dirty. As the dream progress, I walking through the kitchen opening drawers and cabinets...I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm observing what I find in each area...then as I end the kitchen to go down the stairs to the living area....I look back and the kitchen is dirty...you can see my foot prints and hand prints everywhere... that's where it ends...

I sometimes try to finish the dream on my own using my imgination....but I can never get it as white as it began. Or I imgainated a worse ending... People fanastize over vacations in Jamacia or the Florida Keys...why can't I get one of those dreams.

I don't know where I am...numb and don't care....waiting but for what...I don't know what to do with my time. I'm so tried of reading self help or spiritual books. My mind needs a break but I don't know what that is. I don't have anything I really find joy in. I like blogging but you can only blog so much...plus I've put a lot of personal stuff out here in the last couple of days...I don't know who's reading it or if anyone is reading it. I don't care what people think I'm writing about. Some moments life really sucks for me. The key is I'm very self centered and it's for me. I so want to search and know God's heart but at what cost is that taking on my mind. I'm not finding it fast enough or either when I do find something I start to doubt what I think is true. It would be just easier if I wasn't here on the earth. I know "they" tell me everyone has a purpose and plan and we're supposed to yearn for more while here on earth. I'm tired of earth...and I really do understand I don't have it bad as other people. I do have a good life, good job, great husband. It just never seems enough...there is something missing and my heart is part of that missing piece. Oh if only it was my time. I know my days are numbered...I believe that. Sometimes I think I can help that process along...but only if it was ment to be I think. My luck it wouldn't be my time and then I would have to survive the consequeneces. How many thoughts have been of a simple planned car accident. But I love my little car...maybe more then myself if I really admit it. I realize my death would have an impact on people. I can see that. I've written letters to people I would wanted to have said my goodbyes. I know it's not fair to them to say theirs but its hard enough to put into words what some people mean to me.

So today wasn't so bad but I'm really glad it is over. Now I just have to get motivated to do it again tomorrow. I'm back in surviver mode. Barely hanging on to hope. Am I good enough or am I really that bad. Wanting to hit not as punishment but just because...what kind of reasoning is that? The dreadful feelings of numbness are settling back into my heart. Where is God in all this again? Why does he feel so far away....where am I going? When will it all stop? I just want to go to sleep and hide.

Well, what's a girl to do when I don't want to do anything but everything. I guess I was trying the waters today just to see what would happen. I haven't taken my geodon during the day for a long time because it would make me really dizzy but today it just made me sleepy with some dizziness. Not a lot to do about nothing. What did I want to accomplish? I wanted to see if it would make me pass out but it didn't. I think I'm pass the take everything phase but now I just have to take as prescribed!

Found an interesting website that accutally had data about this drug being used to overdose. Lukily no one in this study was successful. 3240 mg was the highest someone in that study took. The only symptoms reported were minimal sedation, slurring of speech, and transitory hypertension. 400mg of Ambien is consider a 40 times more the the prescribed dose. What if I just start out slow and see what happens? I just want to sleep for some time....

I just don't understand Oklahoma tact when getting four brothers together to work for something for their parents. I would say Clay took on the olderest responsibilities and made decisions. I think the over all party was a success....Did Craig participate? Not really....one excuse to another. It was so hard to hold my tonugne at Cathy. Bitch, Bitch Bitch but she wasn't as bad a Carol. Carol just has to take control when she steps in a room whether you wanted her to or not. I was suppossed to pick the cake up at 12 but she wanted it there earlier. So fine, pick up the cake ...I really don't care anymore ....I dont like being around these people. I'm just as sad there as if I were at home so what's the difference.

longer that I can fource my seft as the drugs sloowing get introducted into the system.....hang 5 for the hot teas and back in 3 -- jellie stage Now the words of the day.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJJJJJJJJJJJJUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Life sucks, people suck trafic suchs my back sucks......my reality suck and I feel like I'm being vacume back into the old me before I left we're getting to the bottom and I'm about ready to pass out so at least I'm chillin@ ha oh the mashed potatoes stage is getting quiet near...letters are moving withn out my assistancd..it's time to keep them closed only pick out witll si,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,fading, fading

I sooooooo want to count each pill I have in the entire house. I don't think my little stomach would be able to hold all that in the first place but it's a thought. What would I do with that information? What do I want to do with that information? It's like I know the overdose limit of ambien is 480mg....I'm close at 300 mg....don't know about geodon but I'm guess I have 60 80mg, 20 60mg, 20 20mg, all water soliuble. 6400mg ought to be enough to overdose on and add the ambien so I'm asleep. I don't want to wake up. I am so ready to give up.

how much I wished I were dead. I don't like being in the open so much and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. If I only weren't around here...people won't miss me. I am expandable...

Ok...so maybe I'm a little werid but do you ever have brain to brain conversations with yourself in the middle? I'm facing this alot at work. My office is out in the common area with 2 other co-workers. We can hear each other's conversations plus they both can see my monitor and know what I'm working on. So I guess in the middle of my brain talk, I'm the center of attention.

Brain: Wonder what Jane's thinking about what's on my screen?
me: Am I doing something wrong?
Brain: She probably thinks I don't have anything else to do. She must think I'm not a good worker.
me: how I hate having my back towards her. It is so unconfrontable. What can I do about that...nothing my computer has to stay where it is...I don't have a choice without making a bigger deal.
Brain: Then you have to deal with her watching everything you do. And you know she's watching for you to slip up.

After work I started down the way to the pharmacy to pick up my monthly drugs that are supposed be keeping me sane. I got them check them and then headed on to my next class. PHTLS for EMS. I'm thinking about all these senerio BUT I've come up with one. These people dont know me. why not do something where you can learn....anyways.

The distorted thought: Let's look at all the pills I have and just count each one. I would first pick the Geodon because it needs the most time in the stomach to disoloved. There are 60 pills each at 80 mg, I think I'd go with the ativan next so I wouldn't be so nervous and the pills are much smaller. There are 90 pills at .5 mg -- iF I'm tried of pills by now I'm skipping the welbutrin and lexapro -- they're just there for mood swing....I think I've got that down to a spot. Crown of with the 30 ambien at 10 mg... so lets see if I add it all up it would come to about 5985 mg of prescritption drugs. The ambien would make me sleep....how long would I sleep....hopeful forever.

By the first lecture its over, I should have all the geodon down, not sure what side effects would be I don't see any greatly happening...Next the ativan, lexapo, wellbutrin, Then fix a nice hot cup of tea and wash the ambien down. I think I would need to find a place to lay down. the ambien with take effect very sooo....

All in a class full of paramedic want to be's.....how many would recognize the signs and how many would judge.

The consequences: I would most likely survive!

Well there is one scene. what do you think?